The results are in and they aren’t good. Both an HPT and beta confirmed this round of IVF — my third — didn’t work. BFN. Again.
I was so optimistic throughout the cycle. All signs were pointing in the right direction — best test results (everything in normal range), most follicles (12!), most fertilized (5) and my first blasts ever (2). One blast was graded 4BA and deemed better than average. The other was an early blast but still growing and looking good. They were transferred on Friday, May 23. I did my best to stay calm, positive and busy during the 2ww. I was patient and didn’t POAS until 10dp5dt.
DH gave me a long, tight hug when I told him the results just after dawn on Monday. He is a man of few words, and in that moment, he didn’t utter a single syllable. Somehow, I knew what was racing through his mind: How will my love survive yet another loss? Will we always be a family of three? What do we do now?
We both put our heads down and went to work. It was a busier day than usual for me — no time for self-pity. That happened when I got home and after I put E to bed. I poured a glass of wine, polished off a big bowl of ice cream, and cried (sobbed) myself to sleep. DH still wasn’t talking. I couldn’t help thinking he blamed me and my defective body — I surely do — even if I know that’s not true.
Yesterday, I was ANGRY. Pissed, swearing, ready to smash something. “This isn’t fair!” was on repeat in my head. Why can some people pop out baby after baby? Why is this the hand I was dealt? I’m a damn good mom. E deserves a sibling. DH deserves a happy wife and complete family. This f-ing sucks. The ONLY people who get it are my tweeps. I could not get through this without you.
7 weeks — that’s how long this cycle was, from the first day of ICSI down regulation meds until POAS. Nearly two months of shots, suppositories, appointments, procedures, hormones, weight gain, fatigue, weird dreams, mood swings and zero sex life. We IFers go to hell and back to make babies.
I have to remember that I am one of the lucky ones in the infertility world. We have a beautiful, smart, loving, funny little boy. Yes, it took a big effort and lots of science to get him. But he is perfect and ours. So many in my twitter family are yearning for their first child. They fight on and on for something we already have. I can’t, and won’t, forget that.
But I’m not ready to say this is how it ends. I’m not ready to give up hope, or accept this picture of my family. DH wants a break from IVF. A year off, he said. To me, that would be torture as I imagine my crappy eggs shriveling up with each passing day. We go in Monday for a post-BFN consultation with our RE. Maybe our next steps will be clearer by this time next week.